While sitting on the toilet just now, after I had finished pooping, I noticed in the trash can across from me a plastic wrapper that said “fecal tissues.” I wasn’t sure what to make of that. For a solid three or four minutes I sat there in growing confusing, trying to understand how the hell I had lived 22 entire years without ever once becoming aware that fecal tissues were a thing on this earth.

Well, it turns out I just have bad vision. The wrapper said “facial tissues.”

Life-shattering discovery: averted.

The Plan

1. Get on Ellen to share my book with the world.
2. During the show, make the “bombshell announcement” that I do not, in fact, have SMA, but rather faked everything as a publicity stunt.
3. Say something along the lines of “And now, to prove it, I WILL GET UP AND WALK.”
4. Flop out of my chair onto the stage, breaking all my bones in front of millions of viewers.

Sales will skyrocket. I’m sure of it.

laughingatmynightmare:

I’m doing a giveaway for my book this week! 

From today (7/20) until next Sunday (7/27) if you email me a screenshot of your receipt for preordering my book, I will send you a few top secret photos from the photo shoot I did for the cover. Real seductive stuff here people, you will almost definitely be printing and hanging these above your bed. (The receipts can be from earlier than this week, though. Any time is fine!)

Send your proof of purchase to shane.burcaw@gmail.com and if you still need to get your copy, go here: shaneburcawbooks.com

You are all helping me get closer to my dream of making a big impact on the world! Thank you! 

eeeeeeeek!

My world of sports -- in a wheelchair

My latest article about the World Cup madness, playing sports in my wheelchair, and bad decisions involving face paint.

I’m doing a giveaway for my book this week! 

From today (7/20) until next Sunday (7/27) if you email me a screenshot of your receipt for preordering my book, I will send you a few top secret photos from the photo shoot I did for the cover. Real seductive stuff here people, you will almost definitely be printing and hanging these above your bed. (The receipts can be from earlier than this week, though. Any time is fine!)

Send your proof of purchase to shane.burcaw@gmail.com and if you still need to get your copy, go here: shaneburcawbooks.com

You are all helping me get closer to my dream of making a big impact on the world! Thank you! 

Yes, I have an authentic styrofoam NERF sword in my bedroom.

Yes, I am trained to use it.

No, I will not hesitate.

Something about using Internet Explorer to download Google Chrome just feels so dirty and wrong.

Signed a deal yesterday to have my book turned into an audiobook!

My vote for narrator: Gollum from Lord of The Rings.

Anonymous asked:
Hi! Quick question, do you think those beach wheelchairs would work for someone like a lot heavier than you? Because my husband and I want to go on vacation and we don't really know how to get him over the sand :/

Absolutely! My chair is actually a smaller size (and it’s huge for me). The normal size ones would probably work great. They have free ones to use at many of the bigger beaches, although we bought ours bc the free ones are not always available. Hope this helps!

Selling our bodies for arcade money on the beaches of Ocean City, Maryland.

Relaxing and writing by the pool. Life is good.

Vacation!

  • Me: You sound like a cat having a hairball.
  • Dad: You sound like an irritating little boy in a wheelchair.

Caption contest?

Home Alone would have been way less funny if Macaulay Culkin had SMA because he would’ve just been stuck in bed the whole time and probably starved.