• Me: can you help me cut my fingernails?
  • Dad: if I can keep them
  • Me: ok
  • Dad: to put with all the rest I've kept
  • Me: ok
  • Dad: all of them...
hummingb3rd asked:
Which celebrity would you love to meet and why?

Ellen because I love her and I’ve been trying to meet her forever.

Anonymous asked:
Last thing you screamed?

"Fucking stop"

This was in response to Andrew holding my full pee jar over my face and threatening to tip it bc I beat him in FIFA.

Anonymous asked:
what the heck was that camera angle lol

It’s called the atrophied arm can’t lift up my phone angle.

vices-and-vitriol asked:
Would you rather be attacked by 50 duck-sized horses,or 1 horse-sized duck?

I could destroy any number of duck sized anything. A horse sized duck though…

Or what about a dick sized duck?

Anonymous asked:
Will you write another book?

Absopootly. I’m working on it as we speak!

Ask me some fun questions!

travellingteacups asked:


Do you follow me on twitter? If not, and if you’d like to:


Once every like 3 days my cat realizes her tail exists and everything in her universe goes to shit for about an hour as she tries to catch it.

wickedscubi asked:
I have a goal in life to meet you and feed you a burrito, just so you know the beauty of eating a burrito without a fork! :D x

We need to make this happen like tomorrow.

Excited to be presenting at the 2014 NEPA BlogCon! The working title for my talk (a homage to my first post ever): This is Probably a Terrible Idea

Anonymous asked:
Hello, you're funny and ily.

Thank you. I love you more.

The process by which a feeding tube can be inserted into my nose, swallowed into my stomach, and then hooked to a machine that pumps me full of life-saving calorie juice while I sleep is Disney-Land-level magical when you really think about it.

The photo placement very accurately describes my night at the Best Of awards.