Throughout my life there have been several times when I have had serious discussions with religious individuals about my spirituality. I always ask the same question, “If there is an ever-loving God out there, why was I born with this disease?” Every single time, the religious person has replied that they know it seems difficult to understand, but God just has a bigger plan for me.

I’m not going to get married. I’m not going to have kids. I won’t get to see my brother become an adult with a family of his own. In thirty years, my whole family will sit down for Christmas dinner and I won’t be there.

So yes, it is difficult to understand. Please don’t think I am being melodramatic, I’m just telling you the truth.

I used to say a prayer to my ceiling every night that I would wake up and hop out of my bed and run outside and my brother and I would go skateboarding. After a few years of these prayers, all the while my body was getting worse, I developed a confusing relationship with God.

At the same time, there are too many unbelievably great things about life to deny the existence of a greater power. (For example, McDonalds Sweet Tea.) I could not live with myself if I traveled through life believing there is no God just because I have it a little harder than some people. You guys already have seen a glimpse into the reasons that I am absofuckinlutely in love with life. I fell out of my wheelchair and landed on my head and came away almost unscathed, I don’t think science alone can explain that. I have fought off many cases of pneumonia that should have ended me.

For now, I will say that I am still searching for answers. I want to believe there is a God and a bigger plan, but that image of my family at Christmas dinner won’t leave my fucking mind. Lately, I’ve been trying to not think about the subject too often.

I keep ending posts by saying I don’t know, but I keep feeling that way at the end.

Last night I had a dream I was riding a horse on a baseball field. There, now it’s different.

Post Info
Notes: 203
  1. twerkpocolypse reblogged this from laughingatmynightmare
  2. charkitect reblogged this from laughingatmynightmare
  3. tanninbalm reblogged this from laughingatmynightmare
  4. thefrochronicles reblogged this from laughingatmynightmare
  5. wednesdayteaparty reblogged this from laughingatmynightmare
  6. readawaysam reblogged this from laughingatmynightmare